Sunday, April 30, 2006
Okay, considering the responses i'm getting. I think I better address the issue again. Plus, I did reflect on the issue somemore, and I have grown from that reflection. So, how do I start? Hmm...
Well, I know that sibling rivalry is no big deal. It happens all the time. I also know that my sis also experiences that rivalry. The only reason I felt so downright depressed was that during that period of time, I was feeling quite insecure about myself- questioning my self-worth. So when that comparision came along, from that insecurity came jealousy which built up the insecurity and the cycle goes on. Call it a phase or whatever you want, but I've got an inkling de vil played a part in it. I'm too lazy to type out the reason though, so if you want to know why I suspect that you can look for me.
Upon further reflection, I also realised that I focused so much on the negetive things he said that if he did praise me, I probably wouldn't have noticed. So I learnt to try not to sink too much into my depression. Though it is hard, I think you people out there need to pinch me or something if I'm being too depressed. Haha.
Another thing is, no, I haven't talked to my dad about it. It would be too awkward for me (and maybe him). The issue is resolved anyway, I've forgiven him. So it doesn't really matter. And I would really appreciate it if you would hush up about the matter because YES I'M FINE. Phoo, it's darn annoying when you say you're fine and people still ask if you are.
So! Let's put this behind us, let bygones be bygones, and my life shall go on!
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Since this is a blog, which is otherwise supposed to be my diary... and since you people want to know why I cried today, I guess I'll tell you people. After all, isn't a diary where you write your innermost thoughts?
I cried today not because of one incident, but because of built up emotions. They involve two things:
We all know that we have weaknesses, right? Of course, we aren't exactly proud of them, and we'd rather others not know about it. But we can't run away from our weaknesses. It's what makes us human. I, for one, am weak in quite a few areas. I'm humble enough to admit that to myself. So I'm not athletic, neither am I good at certain board games. I'm not that smart either. However, it's one thing to know your weaknesses, and it's another for people to tell you when you already know and then they make fun of it. I find it quite insulting. Nevertheless, I'm able to tolerate what people say, but my FATHER is a different story.
For those with siblings, I'm pretty sure you've experienced sibling rivalry. For some reason, people like to compare. So sometimes, I get compared to my sister. She's the more athletic one, she's the more intelligent one (I studied for PSLE while she didn't even TOUCH her books and she scored much higher than I did), she's also better at board games. She may be younger. But I do realise she's more skilled than I am. So these are two basic themes that caused my emotion.
I guess it began with the archery thing. Rachel apparently impressed Dad a lot - he went on about her a few days after. However, he told me that I was only so-so, or something along those lines. So I was kind of chucked aside. I felt, hurt, naturally, and slightly jealous I admit. But what Rachel did was really cool, and I can't be the only one he praises. So I got over my feelings.
Life went on, all was forgotten. Until a few weeks after, Dad said something again. This time I can't remember what, but it hurt my self esteem.Then I though, oh no, not again. Didn't I get over the emotions? I forced myself to forget it again, thinking I was being selfish and all that.
Then dance for easter came along, and one day after service we got a chance to practise on the stage. The thing was Rachel and I both forgot the steps. But you know what?? When we got down the stage and Rachel was with some other girls, Dad went up to her, and while I was walking past he put his hand on my shoulder, looked at Rachel and said, "I think you danced better than her." My brain froze for a split second before I continued walking. I was starting to get really angry. I worked as hard and this is what I get? If no one praised me, fine. But, he practically insulted me! Worse, there were other people there! Then I thought myself selfish again, I joined because I wanted to help encourage the tambourine group, but more importantly, dance for God. So I compresed my emotions further. Besides, Dad is honest by nature, and he didn't realise what he was doing.
I prayed then, that God would help me forgive Dad and let me move on with life. But praying about it, meant thinking about it. So awhile after, I decided maybe I should not pray, then I can forget about the emotions. It was so annoying, pray and not pray, pray and not pray. I just couldn't stop the emotions. Thankfully, they were still very mild emotions. So I could kind of handle them., I think.
On easter day itself, after the dance, I felt I kind of screwed up the performance and expected Dad to say something negetive. He did say something, but it was something good! I was kind of relieved I guess, maybe things will start to turn around. So I happily went about the rest of the day. There was even a youth outing to Pasir Ris Park!
Man was I wrong. Like I said, I know I'm not athletic(as in doing sports); not very fit either. It's kind of embarassing but true. So for soccer, I played a litte, but I'm not good at it. At least I tried right? Dad didn't notice, in fact, in front of everyone, he was like, "Sarah! You're so unfit!" As if it was so terrible and shocking. I felt that annoyance again and snapped at him, "I didn't care." I felt guilty for that later on, but at that moment, I wanted to hurt him because I felt hurt. It's like a tear that is slowly, and painfully, opening. I've yet to say sorry to him though. My pride won't let me.
After that, I got annoyed at every negetive comment my Dad made about me. I started to ignore him or avoid him. Then today happened. Iris and Jocelyn asked me to play Carom. At first, I was reluctant because I knew I was a lousy player. In the end, for the fun of it, I said yes. It started of ok, but later on, not only couldn't I get the pieces into the hole. I ended up minusing points. Rachel joined in after that, and it was as if I couldn't play anymore. Then the girls got so amused that I couldn't get the pieces in. Then Dad came.
That was it, I began preparing myself for worst. What I expected came true alright. It was another blow for me. But then he did something that I can't believe he did. He joked about me to Benita and Lydia!!! After awhile he said, "Why don't you let Benita play? I'm sure she can score more than you anyway." That was the limit. Not only did he say things to me, he said them infront of my friends, AND joked about my weakness!!!!! So I sat there trying to control the hurt. But I guess it didn't work, so I cried.
I hate crying in public, because to me, that's a sign of weakness. But I don't mind crying in private because it helps me to wash away the emotions. So I guess the crying was a good thing. Although it needed a better timing. I'm able to forgive my dad now. The hurt is no longer there. Guess it goes to show that my dad is human.
Though, once I've shared this. I hope you won't suddenly not want to share with him. My situation is different because he meant no harm with those comments. He doesn't even know he's hurt me. So it's ok to share with my dad, and yes, he does keep things confidential. Trust me, I live with him.
Also, I don't want to talk about this matter anymore. I may be humble enough to know what I'm not good at. But I'm still proud enough to not want to share things. I'd rather they be between me and God. I have to go now. Night
Friday, April 21, 2006
When I was small...
and you were my big daddy up there...
You loved me...
As I grew up...
and started school...
You loved me...
Then I made friends...
and began to wonder about you...
You loved me...
When I fought with my siblings...
Or rebelled against my parents...
You loved me...
When I decided to forget you...
To live life on my own...
You loved me...
While I was astray...
Figuring out what the world is like...
You loved me...
When I realised I sinned...
And did you wrong...
You loved me...
When I struggled with the guilt...
And feared to return...
You loved me...
Then you looked for me instead...
To show me it's okay...
To show you love me...
As my wounds healed...
As well as my heart...
You loved me..
You loved me..
And You patiently waited...
And You still love me..
I can only say thank you...
for forgiving me...
And I love You too.
-Sarah K. Seah (me)
A sort of poem up there. Well, I don't think it can be considered a poem, but it was definitely holy spirit inspired. If you haven't guessed, is written to God. It basically describes my life so far; the journey I've made. For those of you who know my testimony, I was born into a Christian family. When I was a kid, I knew big daddy God, but I don't think I had a very close relationship with him. Then when I was growing up, I noticed that other kids were sharing that intimate relationship with God. They even had visions and heard from him. The best thing I dad was cry. So I began to question myself, did I really know God? Do I even believe in him??? Then I began to doubt myself. Thereafter, things slowly fell apart.
It wasn't so bad though, because of my fear of provoking God and the fact that I didn't want my parents to find out. I had this good girl act. In school, I learnt swearing (though not that bad) and other stuff. Nevertheless, I continued to go to church and be amazed by those kids. Then, I hit my preteen years, and decided that I'm rather sick and tired of the act. But the fear held on to me. So I kept it up. Then when I was fifteen( last year), I was planning to tell my parents I'm going to stop going to church. However, God being the great wonderful being he is, finally spoke to me through some kids in Australia.
That is the brief summary, there 's more to it, but nevermind all that. it's over anyway. Picking up bad stuff wasn't that terrible because of my fear - of what I'm not sure. But I thank God for the fear. Now everyday, I'm still in a awe of God. Hah. I LOVE YOU GOD!!!
Not much else to say, I haven't been online for awhile because although I aimed to keep to an hour on the computer everyday, in the end, I just didn't go online. Haha. Busy year this year alright. Anyway, good night!
